


Disaster, Pizza (Comma Optional)

by lyricwritesprose



Category: Doctor Who, Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:59:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricwritesprose/pseuds/lyricwritesprose
Summary: Do not let the aliens make pizza. Crossover with Teen Titans, which is admittedly a somewhat cracky concept.





	Disaster, Pizza (Comma Optional)

**Author's Note:**

> All right, so there was a comment on fanficrants comparing and contrasting Starfire's bizarre food tastes to the eleventh Doctor, and I made a remark that if anyone had written a crossover with these two, especially involving food, they should send me the link. Nobody did, so, I . . . um . . . kind of wrote one myself?
> 
> Yeah . . . I'm just going to go ahead and blame this one on last night's insomnia, all right? Still, I think it has a couple of funny lines. Unbetaed, since I feel like it's far too silly to bother.

Raven could hear bickering in the living room.

Nothing abnormal about that, certainly. But Raven didn't enjoy being surprised by anything, so she paused in the hallway for a moment. "The Tower," Robin was saying, in his why-does-nobody-else-get-uptight-about-this voice, "is supposed to be _secure._ 'Secure' means we don't let weirdos—"

_"I_ like him," Beast Boy said, sounding defensive.

"You like him because he asked for your autograph." That was Cyborg.

"Well—yeah, so? A guy likes to be appreciated."

"What I want to know," Cyborg said, "is why nobody is focusing on the _real_ crisis here."

"Security _is—"_

"No, it isn't! Listen. _Pizza is good._ That's one of the laws of the universe. And Starfire's cooking is pure evil—that's _also_ a law of the universe—which means that if Mister Screwy English Guy really is trying to teach Starfire how to cook pizza, it could rip a gigantic hole in the space-suppertime continuum! Why does nobody care about the space-suppertime continuum?"

Raven drifted onward. Towards the kitchen. She might be feeling a tiny, tiny twitch of curiosity. Maybe.

When she opened the kitchen door, she had enough time to see Starfire and an unfamiliar adult turn towards her, and then something soft and boneless and unpleasant landed on her head.

Her first thought was, _being attacked,_ and her second thought was, _trying to smother me,_ so she applied perhaps just a _little_ more force than necessary. There was a crackle of power, and then the soft thing went in all different directions at once. She raised her hands, surrounded by black energy, and looked around the kitchen very fast to see where the next threat was coming from.

The kitchen was now covered with little pieces of dough. So was Starfire. So was the stranger.

"Yes," the stranger said, raising a finger, "right. Well. The ceiling is faulty, you see."

Possibly if she repeated what he had just said, it would make sense. "The ceiling," Raven tried, "is faulty."

Nope. Didn't work.

"Exactly! We've been throwing pizza dough in the air for the last five minutes, only they _keep sticking._ You just happened to come in when the latest effort came down." He scraped a bit of dough off his shirt and ate it. "Probably ought to get the second batch out," he added to Starfire. "I don't think eldritch energies have any negative effects on pizza dough, but I don't fancy trying to collect this lot." He looked back to Raven and beamed, just as if she hadn't accidentally covered him and the kitchen with dough. "Do you want to help? We're making pizzas with all the good stuff on—chocolate, bamboo shoots, capers, you _have_ to love anything called capers. It sounds so cheerful . . ." He paused, fingers in the air. "Starfire, what happened to the Scotch Bonnets?"

"The small orange fruits that are cool because of hats?" Starfire sounded a bit guilty, and Raven noticed that she put her hands behind her back before she said anything. She might, possibly, have been holding a handful of something.

"Yes, they were right over—"

Time to try and bring sense to the nonsensical. "Who are you," Raven said, "and why are you here?"

"Raven," Starfire said, with the air of someone who very much wanted to get this introducing business right even if she wasn't a hundred percent sure how it went, "this is my new friend the Doctor. Doctor, this is my older friend Raven. The Doctor is here to teach me to cook pizza, and after that, he has suggested we could take a quick trip to Flerrisplooch, where they have very small spotted elephants."

Raven decided not to believe there was anywhere in the universe called Flerrisplooch, on the general principle that things ought to be less stupid than that. She narrowed her eyes at the Doctor. "You're lying."

"No," Starfire said earnestly, "he isn't. They are this big." She held her hands about five inches apart. "And—"

"I mean," Raven interrupted, "he didn't come here just to make pizza. He has a reason. A real reason, a serious one." She met the Doctor's eyes. "I'd like to know what it is." She tried to make the look say, _and if it involves hurting any of my friends, even the more annoying ones, you will go toe-to-toe with me. Do you really want that?_

"Doctor," Starfire said, sounding younger than she really was, "is this true?"

There was a short silence, then he spun back to the countertop and started messing with ingredients. "In thirty-six hours and twenty minutes," he said, over his shoulder, "this city will experience a Class D spatial incursion. Basically, a part of another universe will overlap our own and attempt to overwrite this area into more of itself. And because of how _very_ different that universe is, because of how fundamentally inimical its physical constants are to matter, and energy, and all the things that make the world work—well, it would be extremely extraordinarily not a nice thing at all if it succeeded."

Of all the Titans, Raven was the one who knew a little about Other Places. Which meant she knew that the Doctor had just casually neglected to mention a whole catalogue of living, screaming nightmares. Or, possibly, unliving—but screaming would be involved. "A hole to Hell is going to open up," Raven translated, "and you're here to stop it."

"No."

Raven was very, very good at not showing when her body wanted to go tense, preparing for battle. "No?" _Open a portal on my ground, stranger, and I will_ end _you—_

"No. It's actually ridiculously easy for someone who manipulates the right sort of energy to close a breach like that, provided she's standing in the right place. Which, in this case, would be on the _far_ side of the portal. In the other universe." He ducked his head so that he could look Raven full in the face. "I know," he said, "that you would sacrifice your life, and more, for this world. There isn't even a question. But I also know that in this time, in this place, you don't have to. I'm not the hero, not here—but I _do_ make a point of giving heroes a lift. I can get to the other universe. I'll bring you home." He grinned. "Think of me as the Chauffeur. Except, don't. I'm the Doctor."

"O . . . kay," Raven said. "And before you rescued me, you decided to make pizza."

"Pizza," Starfire told her earnestly, "is cool." She and the Doctor exchanged remarkably dippy smiles. They had, apparently, been bonding.

Raven decided, in a preliminary, cautious sort of way, not to dislike the Doctor. Just a tiny bit. Yes, he could be trying to trick her, but she honestly couldn't see what villainous scheme could involve showing up to say, _do your job as a Titan and save the day._ It wasn't as if she wouldn't close the breach, whether or not she thought she had a way back; if a villain knew that and wanted her to do it, why not just stay where he was and watch? No, he'd showed up to reassure her. And probably to tell the team they'd be getting her back.

That was—nice of him.

"And afterwards," the Doctor said, "you could come with us, and see the spotted miniature elephants, or the Chameleon Nebula, or the hopping rocks on the planet of Duck! A boundless universe, galaxies scattered across the sky like grains of sand . . . I will bet twenty pounds I can find something out there that will make _you—"_ He poked Raven in the forehead, "have an actual facial expression. But in the meantime—pizza!" He spun away from her and lunged toward the fridge. "First, the dough. And, Starfire, did you drink all the mustard?"


End file.
